Here's to new chapters

I haven’t vented in a blog in a few months. This is firstly due to my laptop dying on me but also due to the fact that I haven’t had the desire to do much these last few months until now. A mixture of life’s minefields battering you up the face such as the normal joys of balancing work with being a mad mammy, worrying about a step son who was in his “plonker” stage of caring only for himself but glad to say he is now emerging triumphant from this. We are all grateful as the last few years have been stressful. It has aged us too much and law is trying to hang onto the fine hair he has left lol. Also now that time has passed I can laugh at  it and you probably will to when I share the worst interview I have ever been to in my life and I've had a few !

I will start with something wonderful. I am now a proud step mad granny and embracing the title. The stepson Dylon (he changed his spelling of his name during his “plonker” years but I have told him I will still be using the name he was christened with and he can just suck it up lol) he has come through the “plonker” years and is now hopefully on the road to becoming the best dad and son that we know and raised him to be.

Hannah is now a big “8” and also now an aunty. (I was working on this when Hannah popped in and realised I was doing my blog and asked to write a bit. I have kept it in as it made my heart melt and yes she takes her kind heart from me. Her daddy knows this to be true ha. )

This is Hannah I love baby Ezra and I love my brother Dylan. He is not a plonker anymore. Dylan and Chilena are cool so is Ezra. Now back to my mum.  Another writer in the making I think lol. She also is using the spelling of how Dylon changed to the traitor. Sticking up for her brother.

Meeting baby Ezra was so lovely for us all. Holding a wee newbie baby fills you with such love and hope. Even more so when you know this wee baby is family. Being a step mammy I was always aware of how hard it must be to share your child with another woman and felt privileged to be a part of raising him. I remembered a conversation we had when Dylon was around Hannah’s age and he asked because his daddy and mammy were not together anymore did that mean they never loved each other. (He always asked the awkward questions when his daddy wasn’t there. I was so lucky, not!)I told him that that was not correct. That God gives you two chances at love so when he was born his mammy and daddy loved him and each other very much but that they just love other people now as well and that’s o.k. to. He just looked at me matter of factly and said “oh right so my daddy and mammy are on their last chance of love then, it better work this time.” I had to look away for laughing and also feeling a little pressured that we couldn’t mess up because of my explanation to him.  

Seeing law holding his son's baby and being as proud as punch for sure melted my heart. Also made me giggle at the thought I now will be kissing a Granda ha. My dad always said it would take a good woman in the mix to get Dylon back on track and he was right. There is truth in the saying behind every great man is a better women or something like that. You get the jest that yes women always make men see their faults, just usually takes a while.

This last year had been tough for me emotionally to in that I had decided that trying to have another baby for me as much as it hurt my heart my head knew physically and mentally that I had done my best. Outwardly I was fine and law and I had talked about this decision and that we wanted to enjoy our family and be thankful for what we have. So when an opportunity at work came up to challenge myself by going for a job my hubby encouraged me to step outside the comfort zone and go for it.

Now for those that do not work within the trust I should tell you that interviews need to be prepared for. To be in with a chance you need to do your research, gather past questions for whatever band you going for and generally study. So being the nerd I am I did this. I was given past questions from my hubby and fellow colleagues, I had my wee folder gathered up and spent many an hour for the week before reading up on this info. I had heard on the grapevine that the questions had been changed but thought they couldn’t change them that much so was confident that if I knew my stuff could use it and apply to whatever was thrown at me.

What I didn’t prepare for was the anxiety that I had controlled quite well to escalate to the point that I was sick nearly every day on run up to interview. Yes I’m dramatic but this was a new level. Anyway the day of interview arrived I sported a lovely wee polka dot dress and felt I looked professional if anything ha.

Then I entered the room and the first question was asked and the dramas unfolded like a bad comedy sketch. Why do interviews use such flowery words that you feel you’re a surgeon dissecting them before attempting to answer. So after drinking the pitiful half glass of water that I had in front of me and asking numerous questions on what I thought the question was I moved onto the second. I also voiced that they should maybe have a jug for other candidates ready as they would need it.

This was when my inner voice was going mental, not only had  the questions really been changed but the topics as well. I could visualise myself running through my memory bank at all the information I had stored from past questions but none that applied to this question. I struggled to fit any information to it. I threw out statistics that could be applied but again my brain was exploding, frustrated at not having this knowledge. So that’s when my humour that always kicks in when I’m in despair surfaced. The question was something to do with budget deficits and it was so flowery that I was confused as to where to start. So I thought what is wrong with most hospitals that they don’t control and after I had talked about retaining staff, stats to back this up, research showing how career prospects etc can help make employees feel valued and keep them. Therefore reducing turnover and having to recruit costs I felt mentally exhausted and annoyed. Why had they changed the questions when every other ward stayed to same topics for years, did they not want staff to get the jobs, why make it even harder, my head was a whizz of questions whilst still trying to answer these new topics. I then said in my frustrated and anxiety ridden state that “maybe they could turn off the immersion heater on wards and would be able to use the money from overheating water and wards to employ more staff” Yep I said that and I am sure nurses out there would agree but maybe could have worded it better. I didn’t stop there either as my mind was racing to show that I am a great nurse and frustrated that these questions were throwing me. I further added that maybe the trust should read Walt Disney’s book on how to manage people as a way of getting the best out of employees and retaining good staff.

At my feedback my manager did say maybe not to use examples like this in an interview and I did laugh as forgot about that line. Although I did tell her that this was an actual discussion I actually had with a doctor who had shared his views on this book so yes just because it was Walt Disney it was not a Mickey mouse story and she should Google it. She probably didn’t but you should as it will show that what he writes is true and sure he runs successful businesses and retains a lot of good staff by acting on what he preached...So yes anyway after getting through the six questions as best I could and feeling like I was drowning in my own despair. I was also struggling to speak as my mouth ws so dry and had used the glass of water on first question. I was glad to be out of that room. I also vaguely remember being asked if I was o.k. and replying "not really, that the questions were shocking and that I might go and sit under the table and hide at one point." Cringe I know but it was horrific and my anxiety was on another level at this stage. Would I have coped better if anxiety was not out of control and I didn't over think the questions who knows but I still think they were confusing questions and no need to change them and I'm  sticking to that ha.

So yes that experience was what led me to cry far too much other a stupid interview and let the negative thinking consume my mind. The thoughts of no wonder how I failed this interview when sure I failed numerous times at carrying a baby. To those out there that have experienced this negative thinking you can agree that it is overwhelming. For me I tried to rationalise it, fight it and do what I do best and try to rise above it. So the opportunity came for me to go again and even though the thought of it scared me to death and gave me several sleepless nights I thought I had to do it. I hadn’t done an interview in 10 years prior to this and so I was now prepared had a slight idea on topics and was aware of flowery language.

I decided to go to my G.P  to ask for some meds to help with anxiety in run up to interview and I knew that I was struggling with my negative thinking and wanted to get a hold on it.

I sat waiting to be called in a room full of pregnant women as it was obviously a check up day for them. The thoughts again kept popping up of "yep you failed at pregnancy to" and I was struggling to fight it. When I was finally called I looked and saw it was a young new doctor and hate to say my first thought was "ah great I have got "Dougie Howser" of the practice she is never going to help."

I was wrong and I apologised for my thoughts after I saw her. She let me talk. I told her I had the worst interview recently and was going again. That just needed some meds to help in run up to control anxiety. Told her about my negative thinking that had turned up a notch about pregnancy etc and just needed to get sorted for this interview and I would be back on track.She went very quiet as she read my history on computer and I sat there waiting for my script and to be on my way.

She then turned and stated that she thought how I was feeling had nothing to do with the interview but that she could see from my notes that for the last 10 years I have endured a lot of trauma through trying to have a baby. She said you have had every pregnancy loss in the book, you gave birth and buried a son who was premature, and you nearly died from an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. She went on to say as I sat there silent that I had been let down by the system and because I was a nurse myself and had a husband and friends in the field that I had coped amazingly because of this on my own. She said everyone has bad interviews but what this did to me was that it triggered all those feelings that I had managed to control. This was causing me to not have control anymore and that I needed to address this.

I only remember looking at her while she talked and it felt like a light bulb had been turned on. She was right, women are let down by the system. I have said it more than once there is not enough support pre or post pregnancy when things go wrong. If like me you just batter on and use the support you have you don’t crumble because of that then you are not offered or checked up on. So I sat and I cried and I still tried to argue that I thought it was just the interview and that the negative thoughts surrounding my pregnancies would leave once I got a hold of my thoughts and smashed this interview.

She let me vent but then again told me people don’t go through trauma and not be changed. That what I had experienced had changed me and my thinking and that I needed to accept that, address it and that it was not my fault.

She gave me a few options agreed that meds would help especially in the interim when I know I am still of child bearing age and that makes me struggle with not keeping going. Guilt is an awful thing but when your thinking is skewered it is ten times worse. I was beating myself up at decision to stop even though we knew was right for my family. I had started exercising again as basically for the last 10 years I was always afraid to really exercise as I would be thinking I might be pregnant or I was pregnant and determined to keep the pregnancy and afraid to exercise.

So yes I left that doctor a lot less stressed, looking like I had cried a river but very hopeful. I was armed with meds that would help me cope with anxiety and negative thinking and also knowledge that I would get back to me.

In the next few weeks I exercised, I studied again for the interview and the anxiety was more controlled. Even when I received the call that the interviews were not going ahead as the funding had been pulled for posts I didn’t regress. I actually was able to laugh and think typical only me and then think rationally and know that what is meant for me wont pass and move on.

I saw it as their loss and my gain from this experience. It had triggered a part of mind I had thought was sorted and it wasn’t. Several months on and I am in a different place. Does my mind sometimes still throw out those awful thoughts of course it does, but I am stronger mentally and physically so can deal with it.

So yes this blog may have been longwinded that I apologise for but even though I laughed and shed a wee tear writing bits I am also very grateful. It shows that yes this life is a rollercoaster and "mammyville" especially is a hard and bumpy road for some to even get on, but that I feel you should share your experiences with others.

Writing has always been my therapy, and I feel happiest when I am sitting typing away. I love that I have recorded memories to keep for Hannah and maybe Dylon if he ever takes up reading to look back on in the future ha. The conversations I had with my own Granny Harkin are hazy and I wish I had have wrote down all the stories she used to share with us when we were growing up.

So yes maybe I will look into self publishing or sending out to publishers again now that I’m in a better place, because as you can see my interview skills are not the best so if anyone knows people in the publishing world who could help a gal out just holler.

Until then I will continue being the nurse I love being, juggling mad "mammyville" and all its chapters and getting through them having the cape of humour tightly fastened on my neck.

The moral of this long winded story is chapters end in life good and bad but the joy is that new chapters are always beginning, there is always hope in despairing times and fun for the most times. We look forward to the next chapter of being grandparents; babies really do lift a family. I will love this wee boy like I loved his daddy with all my heart and like my own.